My curiousity piqued by the ongoing weenie vs. cheez-whiz controversy, I rented a GE pravometer to test the truth behind Greg Swann’s assertion that Joe Ferrara is more evil than Teresa Boardman.

The results confirmed Greg’s statements: Joe is indeed more evil than Teresa.

Let’s put this into perspective. I started by calibrating the pravometer. Per the instruction manual, the best way to do that is by pointing it at a pretty benign, but also not completely sinless, character. Using infrared waves, the device is able to find out the most evil act ever committed by the subject. I chose Papa Smurf, and he came out at a score of “3″ on a scale of 1 to 1000. The device’s explanation: In one long-ago episode, Papa Smurf apparently used the word, “Darn.”

Then it was on to Teresa, who registered a “1″ because once, when she was but a 3-year old lass, she entertained the thought (for just a few seconds, mind you), of stealing some cookies from a cookie jar. When confronted with this revelation, Teresa fessed up immediately. “I was hungry, and there were these cookies sitting around. I was 3 years old, for crying out loud! Of course I contemplated stealing them! Thankfully, I resisted. Otherwise I might have beat Joe!”

Joe, it turns out, does indeed have more of a penchant for evil, as he came out a “2″. The offending act was also one of cookie theft at a young age, but this time not just contemplation of the act, but actual indulgence therein. Joe’s version of events: “I was also 3, and I was also hungry. My mom had left these delicious home-made chocolate chip cookies in a jar on the shelf above the stove. I just couldn’t resist. I thought about taking 2 of them, but settled on just half of one. It was delicious. My conscience is still bugging me decades later.”

Though the instruction manual warned against it, I tried it out on myself too. I don’t feel comfortable giving out all the results, but let’s just say I cracked the two-digit barrier, if only barely, and the act in question, which took place when I was 16, involved a can of kerosene (suitably stabbed with nails to make tiny holes in it), a bicycle, a bungee cord to attach the can to the back of the bicycle, and some matches. I discovered — and I have scars on my knee prove it — that, even on a bike, I am not faster than the speed of spreading fire.

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Tags: Industry, RE April Fools, Real estate
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