SubscribeIt’s Official: Joseph Ferrara is More Evil Than Teresa Boardman, But Less Evil than Papa Smurf
April 1, 2007
My curiousity piqued by the ongoing weenie vs. cheez-whiz controversy, I rented a GE pravometer to test the truth behind Greg Swann’s assertion that Joe Ferrara is more evil than Teresa Boardman.
The results confirmed Greg’s statements: Joe is indeed more evil than Teresa.
Let’s put this into perspective. I started by calibrating the pravometer. Per the instruction manual, the best way to do that is by pointing it at a pretty benign, but also not completely sinless, character. Using infrared waves, the device is able to find out the most evil act ever committed by the subject. I chose Papa Smurf, and he came out at a score of “3″ on a scale of 1 to 1000. The device’s explanation: In one long-ago episode, Papa Smurf apparently used the word, “Darn.”
Then it was on to Teresa, who registered a “1″ because once, when she was but a 3-year old lass, she entertained the thought (for just a few seconds, mind you), of stealing some cookies from a cookie jar. When confronted with this revelation, Teresa fessed up immediately. “I was hungry, and there were these cookies sitting around. I was 3 years old, for crying out loud! Of course I contemplated stealing them! Thankfully, I resisted. Otherwise I might have beat Joe!”
Joe, it turns out, does indeed have more of a penchant for evil, as he came out a “2″. The offending act was also one of cookie theft at a young age, but this time not just contemplation of the act, but actual indulgence therein. Joe’s version of events: “I was also 3, and I was also hungry. My mom had left these delicious home-made chocolate chip cookies in a jar on the shelf above the stove. I just couldn’t resist. I thought about taking 2 of them, but settled on just half of one. It was delicious. My conscience is still bugging me decades later.”
Though the instruction manual warned against it, I tried it out on myself too. I don’t feel comfortable giving out all the results, but let’s just say I cracked the two-digit barrier, if only barely, and the act in question, which took place when I was 16, involved a can of kerosene (suitably stabbed with nails to make tiny holes in it), a bicycle, a bungee cord to attach the can to the back of the bicycle, and some matches. I discovered — and I have scars on my knee prove it — that, even on a bike, I am not faster than the speed of spreading fire.
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Brought to you by the April Fools’ RE.net silly post consortium.
Comments
8 Responses to “It’s Official: Joseph Ferrara is More Evil Than Teresa Boardman, But Less Evil than Papa Smurf”
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I am thinking you should recalibrate your machine. From what I have read about myself I should be making that thing smoke!
I was very careful when I calibrated it, and I stand by the results. It measures true evil, not innuendos of evil.
If you calibrated the machine to me, then I’m pretty sure everyone else in the RE.net would show up negative on the “evil” meter.
Is there an evil prize at the end of this thing?
Further proof that Papa Smurf is more evil.
http://www.tomathon.com/blosxom/img/smurfs_bombs_vm101.jpg
My favorite Evil was Kneival. My favorite Blogger is Boardman. Boardman ain’t evil but is capable of shooting down swans.
Well, that’s a really entertaining post and I learned a lot about electronics and batteries from it, information I will share with the family.
Would you care for a mint?
[...] Finally, I award myself the “Too Much Time On Your Hands” prize for putting together an analysis of the relative evil of two leading re.net bloggers. [...]